Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
