just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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