I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
