Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
