He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
