Your dad touched me again.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I look excited, but its just a facade.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
