If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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