He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
