The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
