It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
