I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Are we still banned from the library?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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