Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize