chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
