I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
