YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
