I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
