that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize