peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
