i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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