i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
