I'm drive I can fine osifer
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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