I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
