By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
