dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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