So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize