Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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