So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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