I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
