My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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