Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
