Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
