haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
