I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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