i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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