I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
