The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
