You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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