he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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