hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
