Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
