booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
