If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The Olympian is in my bed
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
