sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
