note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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