I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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