Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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