How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
