I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
