i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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