One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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