The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
