I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
