dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
