you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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