saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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