Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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